yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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