So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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