Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
