Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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