My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
