Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
