drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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