I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My ass is underappreciated
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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