I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
