She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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