He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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