Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
