you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
