well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
