Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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