Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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