Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
