porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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