Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
