totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
