got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
