had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
