I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
