I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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