After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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