i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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