I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
as a side note pls kill me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
