i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
