I wish they made helmets for livers.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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