I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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