Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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