Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
