I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He felt like a one man threesome
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
