Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
