even my farts smell like vagina
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
