your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize