If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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