1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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