booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
