I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
