He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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