I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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