i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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