oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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