Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I need to calm my uterus...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
