I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
