my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
