There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
