i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize