a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
