Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
