rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
