i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
