he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you didnt know i had herpes?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
