My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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