Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
