1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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