im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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