Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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