I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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