Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
