yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
