He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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