I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
